…But the kid is not my son

Customer: “I need some flowers for a friend who just had a baby.”
Me: “Sure! We have some beautiful bouquets -how about some peonies?”
Customer: “Sure, peonies would be nice. Do you have any roses?”
Me: “Of course! Red, white, pink?”
Customer (interrupting): “I’m not sure you understand. My girlfriend just broke up with me.”
Me: “Uhmm…”
Customer :”My GIRLFRIEND has just HAD a BABY!!”
Me: “Well, that’s great!” **internal nutbag alert starts clanging**
Customer: “So, I’m giving her these flowers AND IT’S NOT EVEN MY BABY!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT??”
Me: **Thinking that I am suddenly an unwitting participant in what is obviously becoming a pop up episode of the Jeremy Kyle show** “Honestly? I think that whether you give her roses or peonies is the least of your problems…”

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Do you have the Black Soil?

Customer: “Do you sell earth?”
Me: **holds it up** “Yes we do. It’s four pounds a bag”
Customer “Earth, yes? Soil?”
Me: “Yep.”
Customer *leaning in conspiratorially* “Is it….the… Black soil?”
Me *thinks for a second*: “Yes, it’s black.”
Customer: “Not brown? Black?”
Me: “Definitely black.”
Customer: “Black is no good! Snails cannot eat the black earth!”
Me: *deadpan* “Snails.”
Customer: “Oh yes! Snails! They can only eat the brown soil! Not the black soil -you are sure it is black, yes?-“
Me: “Very, Very sure.”
Customer: “But where will I get the special brown soil for my snails?”
Me **searches frantically for non existent panic button**

Room for a little one?

Customer: “I just saw a lady come out of the shop with a tiny bouquet”
Me: “Oh, ok?”
Customer: “Yes, it was a tiny bouquet. Really small. No box.”
Me: “Yes, someone did just buy a small bouquet.”
Customer: ” Yes, it was really small. So small. Tiny! I wouldn’t need anything that big. In fact…something smaller. And not in a box.”
Me: “Smaller.”
Customer: “Yes, it really shouldn’t be a big bouquet. A small one.”
Me: “Ok, I can do that for you.”
Customer: “I don’t want a box! God! No box! The person I’m giving it to will only have to carry it around with them…”
Me: (in my head)  ‘How small are their hands??”
Me: **patiently** ” Ok, well the bouquet you saw was fifteen pounds.”
Customer: “FIFTEEN POUNDS! I only need a tiny, tiny, teeeny bouquet…” **
**with no box
….and so it continued.