Things you only understand if you work in retail #4

The relief when a fuckwit customer who has been messing you around for ages says “I am NEVER shopping here AGAIN!!” before commencing a massive stroppy exit and you’re like: “Don’t let the door catch your arse on the way out, love!”

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Is it me you’re looking fleur?

Woman: *Shouting through miniscule gap in very obviously closed and shuttered doors. I mean, really shut. When our shop is shut, if you think it’s still open then you must be used to shopping on the Gaza Strip.* “Helloooooo! Hellooooo! Can I buy some Flowers??”

Me: “I’m sorry…we’re closed. I’m cashing up.”

Woman: “Well you shouldn’t leave your FUCKING LIGHTS ON, then!”

Me: “You want me to cash up in the dark?”

Woman: “Oh, Fuck OFF!”

Selfie, Shmelfie.

Customer: **clapping hands like a child** ” I love your shop! I want to take a selfie! Can I take a selfie??”
Me: “Knock yourself out.” 
Customer: *Handing me phone* “You take it!”
Me: “You want ME to take a selfie?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: **Bemused, but turning phone on myself** “Ok…..”
Customer: “Not you! Not YOU! God! Why would I want a picture of YOU??”
*Rude*
Customer: “Take a selfie of ME!!” *starts posing against flowers*
Me: “Well, by definition, this isn’t a selfie.”
Customer: “It’s a picture of me!”
Me: “I’m taking a photo of you. A selfie is when you take a picture of yourself” (you moron)
Customer: *clapping excitedly* “Take the selfie!!!”
Readers: I took the photo.