**phone rings**

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to send some flowers to my mother.”

Me: “Sure! Let me take the details. What’s her name?”

Customer: “Mum.”

Me: “Her Christian name?”

Customer: “Mum.”

Me: “Your mum’s name is…Mum?”

Customer: **as if I’M stupid** “Duh! No, her name is Jeanette.”

Me: “And her surname?”

Customer: “Mum.”

Me: “Jeanette Mum?”

Customer: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “You’re telling me that your mother is called Jeanette Mum?”

Customer: “No, it’s Jeanette Jones.”

Me: ” And her address?”

Customer: “Her address?”

Me: “Yes, the address you would like the flowers sent to.”

Customer: “Oh. I don’t know it.”

Me: “But you want to send her flowers.”

Customer: “Hang on, I’ll get my address book.”

**interminable wait, during which I can hear boxes crash over, feet thundering up and down stairs, dogs barking, etc**

Customer: “Got it.” **Gives address, proceeds to discuss at length what he wants to send**

Me **with trepidation** “…and what would you like to say on the card?”

Customer: “Card?”

Me: “Yes, the message.”

Customer: “Oh, I haven’t thought about that.”

Me: ” Ok, well let me take your credit card details while you’re having a think.”

Customer: “You need my credit card number?”

Me: **World’s biggest eye roll**  “I do, yes.”

Customer: “Ok -let me go and get it.”

**second very long wait, during which I file my nails, finish a crossword, etc**

Customer: “Got it! **proceeds to give number**

Me: “And the message for the card?”

Customer: “Hmmmm….I’ll have to call you back about that…”

Selfie, Shmelfie.

Customer: **clapping hands like a child** ” I love your shop! I want to take a selfie! Can I take a selfie??”
Me: “Knock yourself out.” 
Customer: *Handing me phone* “You take it!”
Me: “You want ME to take a selfie?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: **Bemused, but turning phone on myself** “Ok…..”
Customer: “Not you! Not YOU! God! Why would I want a picture of YOU??”
Customer: “Take a selfie of ME!!” *starts posing against flowers*
Me: “Well, by definition, this isn’t a selfie.”
Customer: “It’s a picture of me!”
Me: “I’m taking a photo of you. A selfie is when you take a picture of yourself” (you moron)
Customer: *clapping excitedly* “Take the selfie!!!”
Readers: I took the photo.

Health and Safety.

Customer **looking a bit drunk**: “Darlin’…. Darlin’….Have you got a bit of tissue I can borrow?”
Me **brandishing a pack of Thirst Pockets** : “Sir, you can HAVE the tissue. I do not require its return.”
Customer **wiping his mouth with said tissue** : “Ah, cheers for that, love. I’ve just thrown up against your bin outside.”

Euphorbia Lactea. Or is it??

Customer: **holding plant and looking simultaneously perplexed and angry, like I’ve just insulted his mother in a language he doesn’t understand**  “What’s this?”
Me **Points to label** : “It’s a Euphorbia Lactea, Sir.”
Customer: “But what IS it?”
Me: “Um. It’s a plant.”
Customer: “Yes. But what SORT OF PLANT IS IT?”
Me **Pointing. Again.** “It’s a Euphorbia Lactea. I’m not sure what else you want me to tell you?”
Customer: “I want to know what SORT OF PLANT it is!”
Me: “Well, It’s a plant from the genus Euphorbia. It has a milky sap, hence ‘Lactea’. It’s a Euphorbia Lactea.”
Customer: “Oh, I SEE! Now you’re blinding me with Latin!
Me *in my head* “I’ll be blinding you with this pencil in a minute…”
Me: “That’ll be twelve pounds please, sir. Would you like a bag?”

At least once a week you get this…

Customer: “Hi! I really like this bouquet! But I don’t like this *points to gerbera* or this *points to roses* or this *points to phlox* Can you change them over for me?”
Me: “Sure! Or I can just make you a new bouquet, which has none of these horrifically offensive flowers in, if you like?”
Customer: **face falls** “But I like this one!”
Me: “Except clearly you don’t…”
Customer: “But if you could just change them?”
Me: “But then it will be a completely different bouquet. So why don’t I start from scratch, and include the flowers that you DO like?”
Customer: “But then it won’t look like this one! And this one is pretty!”
Me: “But you don’t like 75% of the flowers in it!
Customer: “But it’s pretty!”
Me: “Well, if you like it so much, why don’t you buy it?”
Customer: “Ok! I will! Sold!”

Helping People help themselves.

Customer **inspecting the (very clearly) only Jasmine plants we have: “Are these the only Jasmine plants you have?”
Me: “Yes they are, Sir.”
Customer: ” You don’t have any bigger ones?”
Me: “No, unfortunately these are the only ones I have.”
Customer: ” Do you have ones that are bigger and have more flowers on them? “
Me: “No, these are the only ones I have.”
Customer: “Do you have different varieties of Jasmine?”
Me: “I do not.”
Customer: “Do you have Jasmines that are bigger, taller, have more flowers and come in a different pot?”
Me: “No, these are the only ones that I have.”
Customer: ” I need a big jasmine.”
Me: “Then I suggest that you go to a garden centre.”
Customer: ” I went. It’s shut.”
Me: “Yes, it’s nearly nine o’clock (PM PEOPLE!!!) on a Saturday.”
Customer: “What am I going to do?”
Me: “You could buy a different plant?”
Customer **Death stare** “NOOOOOOO!!!!