Sisters are doing it for themselves.

Man: (looking at blackboard in shop): ” 8th of March is International Women’s Day? Never heard of it.”

Me: *shrugging* “Well, Sir. That”ll be the Patriarchy for you…”

Man: (after about 15 seconds in which you could hear his thought process bounce around the shop): “Hmm.”

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Bag.

Two women in the shop:

Woman number 1: “Oooo I love this plant…but how am I going to get it home?”

*in a bag*

Woman number 1: “Ooh my word, it’s delightful! But how am I going to carry it??”

*in a bag*

Woman number 1: “It really is smashing! But I’m just not sure how I’m going to carry it home…”

*in a bag*

Woman number 1: *really scratching her head now* “If only there was some way…”

Woman number 2, *tentatively, as if thought has just occurred to her in moment of Damascene enlightenment*: “You could ask the lady to put it in a bag for you?”
Woman number 3, who is responsible for putting things in bag (me) and who is about to stab herself (or them) in the eye with a fork: “I could put it in a bag for you?”
Woman number 1, *genuinely amazed, as if I have just produced a singing unicorn from my arse*: “OoooOoo, could you?”

It’s the thought that counts

Customer: *buying world’s tiniest plant, which I am wrapping as per standard* “It’s just….It’s just that…well…” *trails off, looks vaguely pissed off*

Me: “Uhmm?” *expectant face*

Customer: “It’s just that…it’s a present for someone. Could you just.. I mean…”

Me: *in my head* “Could I make it look like you haven’t just spent One pound Fifty?”

Customer: “Well….perhaps just a piece of tissue paper?”

Me: “Sure.” *unwraps perfectly nice paper it’s already in, locates tissue, cuts it to suitable size (postage stamp), re-wraps*

Customer: “And some ribbon?”

Me: “Sure.” *finds ribbon, makes world’s tiniest bow*

Customer: “And put it in a gift bag.”

Me: “I’m afraid the gift bags are two pounds.”

Customer: “I don’t have two pounds.”

Me: “Then you may have this perfectly serviceable plastic bag for free.”

Customer: “But that doesn’t look very nice.”

Me: “Well I’m afraid you’ve already used up your imaginary ‘free gift wrap token’ madam. Next!”

A.K.A

I really wish people would use their right names when sending flowers. I have absolutely no desire to call a customer and say “Good afternoon, am I speaking with Miss Muffin ‘funbags’ Willoughby?”

Spend a penny

Customer: “Where are the toilets please?”
Me: “Go back into the station *pointing* and take the first right”
Customer: “Where?”
Me: “Into the station. Turn right.”
Customer *Looking at where I am pointing and then pointing in the opposite direction*: “This way?”
Me: “There are signs. Look. TOILET. Follow them.”
Customer: “What signs?”
Me: *again with the pointing* “THOSE ONES. See the arrows?”
Customer: “Are there toilets in the station?”
Me: “Would you like me to go first and leave you a trail of breadcrumbs?”
Customer: “Rude.”

Mum.

**phone rings**

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to send some flowers to my mother.”

Me: “Sure! Let me take the details. What’s her name?”

Customer: “Mum.”

Me: “Her Christian name?”

Customer: “Mum.”

Me: “Your mum’s name is…Mum?”

Customer: **as if I’M stupid** “Duh! No, her name is Jeanette.”

Me: “And her surname?”

Customer: “Mum.”

Me: “Jeanette Mum?”

Customer: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “You’re telling me that your mother is called Jeanette Mum?”

Customer: “No, it’s Jeanette Jones.”

Me: ” And her address?”

Customer: “Her address?”

Me: “Yes, the address you would like the flowers sent to.”

Customer: “Oh. I don’t know it.”

Me: “But you want to send her flowers.”

Customer: “Hang on, I’ll get my address book.”

**interminable wait, during which I can hear boxes crash over, feet thundering up and down stairs, dogs barking, etc**

Customer: “Got it.” **Gives address, proceeds to discuss at length what he wants to send**

Me **with trepidation** “…and what would you like to say on the card?”

Customer: “Card?”

Me: “Yes, the message.”

Customer: “Oh, I haven’t thought about that.”

Me: ” Ok, well let me take your credit card details while you’re having a think.”

Customer: “You need my credit card number?”

Me: **World’s biggest eye roll**  “I do, yes.”

Customer: “Ok -let me go and get it.”

**second very long wait, during which I file my nails, finish a crossword, etc**

Customer: “Got it! **proceeds to give number**

Me: “And the message for the card?”

Customer: “Hmmmm….I’ll have to call you back about that…”