Date Night.

Man: ” I need some flowers, I’m going on a date.”
Me: “What do you think she’d like? Roses? Lilies?”
Man: “Hmmmm…”
**spends the next ten minutes faffing about choosing a hideous selection of flowers whilst simultaneously rejecting any input from me as to what would look nice**
Man: “What do you think?”
**We both consider the flowers he has picked, which look like something you would see tied to a lamppost at a crash scene**
Me: ” I reckon if you spend another thirty quid and let me choose the flowers, she’ll definitely sleep with you.”
Man: “Sweeeeeeeet!”
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Mum.

**phone rings**

Customer: “Hi, I’d like to send some flowers to my mother.”

Me: “Sure! Let me take the details. What’s her name?”

Customer: “Mum.”

Me: “Her Christian name?”

Customer: “Mum.”

Me: “Your mum’s name is…Mum?”

Customer: **as if I’M stupid** “Duh! No, her name is Jeanette.”

Me: “And her surname?”

Customer: “Mum.”

Me: “Jeanette Mum?”

Customer: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “You’re telling me that your mother is called Jeanette Mum?”

Customer: “No, it’s Jeanette Jones.”

Me: ” And her address?”

Customer: “Her address?”

Me: “Yes, the address you would like the flowers sent to.”

Customer: “Oh. I don’t know it.”

Me: “But you want to send her flowers.”

Customer: “Hang on, I’ll get my address book.”

**interminable wait, during which I can hear boxes crash over, feet thundering up and down stairs, dogs barking, etc**

Customer: “Got it.” **Gives address, proceeds to discuss at length what he wants to send**

Me **with trepidation** “…and what would you like to say on the card?”

Customer: “Card?”

Me: “Yes, the message.”

Customer: “Oh, I haven’t thought about that.”

Me: ” Ok, well let me take your credit card details while you’re having a think.”

Customer: “You need my credit card number?”

Me: **World’s biggest eye roll**  “I do, yes.”

Customer: “Ok -let me go and get it.”

**second very long wait, during which I file my nails, finish a crossword, etc**

Customer: “Got it! **proceeds to give number**

Me: “And the message for the card?”

Customer: “Hmmmm….I’ll have to call you back about that…”

Selfie, Shmelfie.

Customer: **clapping hands like a child** ” I love your shop! I want to take a selfie! Can I take a selfie??”
Me: “Knock yourself out.” 
Customer: *Handing me phone* “You take it!”
Me: “You want ME to take a selfie?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: **Bemused, but turning phone on myself** “Ok…..”
Customer: “Not you! Not YOU! God! Why would I want a picture of YOU??”
*Rude*
Customer: “Take a selfie of ME!!” *starts posing against flowers*
Me: “Well, by definition, this isn’t a selfie.”
Customer: “It’s a picture of me!”
Me: “I’m taking a photo of you. A selfie is when you take a picture of yourself” (you moron)
Customer: *clapping excitedly* “Take the selfie!!!”
Readers: I took the photo.

Health and Safety.

Customer **looking a bit drunk**: “Darlin’…. Darlin’….Have you got a bit of tissue I can borrow?”
Me **brandishing a pack of Thirst Pockets** : “Sir, you can HAVE the tissue. I do not require its return.”
Customer **wiping his mouth with said tissue** : “Ah, cheers for that, love. I’ve just thrown up against your bin outside.”

Bargain.

Customer: “I’d like a bouquet of roses, lilies, peonies, delphinium, hydrangea, stock, phlox, gerberas, eucalyptus and some of that white stuff. Something beautiful…”
Me: “Sure thing. What’s your budget?”
Customer: ” About £15.”
Me: “Can I borrow the keys to your DeLorean, as I’m going to need to pop back to 1955 to buy the flowers for you…”
Customer: “What??”
Me: *Facepalm*

…But the kid is not my son

Customer: “I need some flowers for a friend who just had a baby.”
Me: “Sure! We have some beautiful bouquets -how about some peonies?”
Customer: “Sure, peonies would be nice. Do you have any roses?”
Me: “Of course! Red, white, pink?”
Customer (interrupting): “I’m not sure you understand. My girlfriend just broke up with me.”
Me: “Uhmm…”
Customer :”My GIRLFRIEND has just HAD a BABY!!”
Me: “Well, that’s great!” **internal nutbag alert starts clanging**
Customer: “So, I’m giving her these flowers AND IT’S NOT EVEN MY BABY!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT??”
Me: **Thinking that I am suddenly an unwitting participant in what is obviously becoming a pop up episode of the Jeremy Kyle show** “Honestly? I think that whether you give her roses or peonies is the least of your problems…”