Going Dutch

Customer (asking about prices): “But I am from Holland! Do you know how many flowers we get in Holland for the same price?” (Indicates size of small horse). “For ONE EURO!”
Me: “Sure, but we have to import flowers from Holland -so…tax..etc”
Customer: “Is so expensive!
Me: “You know what else is cheap in Holland? Edam. And Clogs.”

hidden costs

Customer(on phone): “Hi. I want to order some flowers for delivery but I don’t want to pay the delivery charge.”
Me: “Where are they going?”
Customer: *names place a 20 minute drive away*
Me: I’m sorry, I have to charge you an £8 delivery fee for that as it’s not walkable.”
Customer: “Why??”
Me: “Well, to name a few things -covering my driver’s wages, petrol, tax and insurance on the van… and -tell me if this sounds crazy to you- also a little known practice called ‘making a profit’ “
Customer: *huffing* “Well I think it’s ridiculous!”
Me: “Okay, how about this -as it’s such a problem for you I’ll waive the delivery charge this time.”
Customer: “You will? Great! How much are your bouquets?”
Me: “They start from £38, sir.”
Customer: *thoughtful pause* ” Ah. Does that now include a hidden delivery charge?”
Me: ” I couldn’t possibly comment on that, sir…”

There is no spoon

Customer: “Hi! Do you do wedding flowers?”
Me: “What’s the date of your wedding?”
Customer: “About six weeks from now”
Me: “Oooh. What date is that?”
Customer: “the Fifteenth of August”
Me: “I’m ever so sorry, we have 2 weddings on that day, I can’t take on a third.”
Customer: “That’s not what I asked you.”
Me:*confused* “Sorry, -what was the question?”
Customer: “Do you do wedding flowers?”
Me: “Yes, we do.”
Customer: “Are you free on the 15th August?”
Me: “Have we slipped into the Matrix here?”

long walk

Random: “Do you know how to get to Suffolk?”
Me: “Where in Suffolk?”
Random: “Suffolk.”
Me: “Suffolk is a pretty large county.”
Random: “Is it?”
Me: “You might need to pare it down a bit. Do you know what town you need to get to?”
Random: “I need to get to the shop called ‘Joy’ “
Me: “Oh! Joy in Suffolk?” *sometimes I can’t help myself*
Random: “Yes! do you know it?”
Me: “No.”
Random: “Fuck! You’re no help. I’ll just use Google Maps.” *wanders outside, staring at phone*
Me: *after thinking for about 3 seconds, goes after her* “Do you mean Great Suffolk street?”
Random: “If I’d wanted Great Suffolk Street, I would have ASKED for it, wouldn’t I??”


Two women in the shop:

Woman number 1: “Oooo I love this plant…but how am I going to get it home?”

*in a bag*

Woman number 1: “Ooh my word, it’s delightful! But how am I going to carry it??”

*in a bag*

Woman number 1: “It really is smashing! But I’m just not sure how I’m going to carry it home…”

*in a bag*

Woman number 1: *really scratching her head now* “If only there was some way…”

Woman number 2, *tentatively, as if thought has just occurred to her in moment of Damascene enlightenment*: “You could ask the lady to put it in a bag for you?”
Woman number 3, who is responsible for putting things in bag (me) and who is about to stab herself (or them) in the eye with a fork: “I could put it in a bag for you?”
Woman number 1, *genuinely amazed, as if I have just produced a singing unicorn from my arse*: “OoooOoo, could you?”

It’s the thought that counts

Customer: *buying world’s tiniest plant, which I am wrapping as per standard* “It’s just….It’s just that…well…” *trails off, looks vaguely pissed off*

Me: “Uhmm?” *expectant face*

Customer: “It’s just that…it’s a present for someone. Could you just.. I mean…”

Me: *in my head* “Could I make it look like you haven’t just spent One pound Fifty?”

Customer: “Well….perhaps just a piece of tissue paper?”

Me: “Sure.” *unwraps perfectly nice paper it’s already in, locates tissue, cuts it to suitable size (postage stamp), re-wraps*

Customer: “And some ribbon?”

Me: “Sure.” *finds ribbon, makes world’s tiniest bow*

Customer: “And put it in a gift bag.”

Me: “I’m afraid the gift bags are two pounds.”

Customer: “I don’t have two pounds.”

Me: “Then you may have this perfectly serviceable plastic bag for free.”

Customer: “But that doesn’t look very nice.”

Me: “Well I’m afraid you’ve already used up your imaginary ‘free gift wrap token’ madam. Next!”